christmas in the sand ♪ ♪ christmas in the sand whoa christmas in the sand whoa m ♪ christmas in the sand whoa i love christmas in the sand ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you so much, everyone! >> jay: colbie caillat, nice job! that was great. good to see you again. that was terrific. >> thank you. >> jay: i want to thank my guests -- megan fox, johnny manziel and, of course, colbie caillat. tomorrow night, quentin tarantino will be here! but jimmy fallon happening right now. jimmy, take it away! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪

>> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television

-- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, welcome. welcome, everybody. thank you for being here. i feel the love. thank you very much. welcome. welcome, welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." you guys, we have a great show. it's going to be really fun. hopefully we get to make you laugh tonight. we've got a lot of fun things. i'm very excited about this. the new movie "the hobbit: an unexpected journey" came out today. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] but i heard it was almost three hours long. marking the first time people were like, "yeah, i'm going to save myself some time and just read the book." [ laughter ] so, i'm just going to -- three hours is --" [ applause ] listen to this. yesterday a law went into effect requiring tv commercials to be a lot quieter. [ cheers and applause ] which explains why that one duck

was like -- [ whispering ] "aflac. [ laughter ] what's in your wallet?" [ laughter ] "you're gonna like the way you look. i guarantee it." [ laughter ] how would he whisper that guy? [ deep voice ] "you're gonna like the way you look." >> steve: he can't whisper. [ loud raspy voice ] "i'm whispering now." [ laughter ] [ raspy voice ] >> jimmy: "trust me, you're gonna like the way you look. i guarantee it." [ raspy voice ] >> steve: "and on the down low, you look fabulous." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "you have my guarantee that you, yourself are going to enjoy the way that you look right now." [ light laughter ] >> steve: "your wife --" [ high voice ] >> jimmy: "my real voice is like this. so, shall i go back to my other one?" you're gonna like the way you look, i guarantee it!" [ laughter ] this saturday, you guys, is new york city's annual santa pub crawl. [ cheers and applause ]

this is where thousands of people dressed as santa go from bar to bar, getting drunk. [ cheers ] while this sunday is when new yorkers get to see the world's most festive walk of shame. that's when you go -- [ laughter ] those santas stayed out all night. check this out. physicist stephen hawking just received a $3 million prize for his work in the field of quantum gravity. yeah, $3 million. he was like -- [ as hawking ] "time to make it rain, bitches." [ laughter ] "what'd you say? you throw $3 million dollars around?" hey, get this. airlines in europe are testing a new robot that can make drinks for passengers instead of having flight attendants do it. this way, flight attendants can stay focused on their most important job, ramming the beverage cart into your elbow. [ laughter ] "sorry. pardon me. should you be at seat -- 7f? you're over in 7g.

yeah. i know there's no one there, but you just be a lamb and sit over there?" [ laughter ] some sports news. last night, the lakers lost to the knicks for their fourth loss in a row. [ cheers and applause ] i don't want to say that it was an easy night for the knicks but even woody allen finished with nine points. it was -- [ as woody allen ] "all those personal fouls in the lane, it's -- it's like the nuremberg trial. [ laughter ] amazing." and finally, victoria's secret has released a christmas music video that features six models in lingerie. yupp, it's called "the 12 ds of christmas." [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a fun show tonight. he's a great actor. oh, we love this guy. he's starring in quentin tarantino's new movie "django unchained."

christoph waltz is here. [ cheers and applause ] he was great, "inglourious basterds." >> steve: oh my god. he was fantastic. >> jimmy: she is the best. the very funny amy sedaris is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] got some funny stuff. plus, we're going to be setting a bunch of brand new world records tonight with the guys from recordsetter.com. [ cheers and applause ] holiday-themed and then we have music from one of my all-time favorites. she's beautiful, she's talented, she has the voice of an angel. martha wainwright is here tonight! [ cheers and applause ] today's friday you guys oh, it's going to be a great show. tonight -- today is friday, you guys, and that's usually when i catch up on some personal stuff. i check my inbox, you know, i return some e-mails and of course, i send out "thank you notes." i was running a bit behind today so i thought, if you guys wouldn't mind, i'd just like to write out my weekly "thank you notes" right now. do you guys mind? can i write them out? [ cheers and applause ] i'll make it fast. i'm so sorry. thank you.

roots, can i get some "thank you note" writing music, please. ♪ [ laughter ] no one is clapping. [ cheers and applause ] charity applause. [ laughter ] ♪ thank you, the phrase, "i'm going on a diet after new years," for basically meaning "i'm about to stuff my face for the next three weeks so back away from the pigs in a blanket or you might lose a hand, biotch." [ laughter and applause ] was that mean? >> steve: that's mean. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, tinsel, for make my carpet look like i own an aluminum dog. [ laughter and applause ]

♪ thank you, ten-year warranty, for basically saying, "what, you think you can keep track of this little piece of paper for ten years? yeah, i doubt it! in fact, i'll bet you a whole refrigerator that you can't!" [ laughter ] ten-year warranty. [ high pitched voice ] "yeah, i'll pay the extra $50. [ in raspy voice ] i mean i'll pay the extra $50. you're gonna like the way you look. i guarantee it." [ laughter ] ♪ thank you, office christmas parties, for being a really fun prequel to a sexual harassment seminar. [ laughter and applause ] you did what? >> steve: what? "you are not gonna like the way you look. this is not the men's whorehouse." [ laughter ] ♪ that's what he said after the christmas party. >> jimmy: he said that after the christmas party. >> steve: yeah. [ in raspy voice ]

>> jimmy: "this is not the men's whorehouse." -- one of the coworkers. "you are not gonna like the way you look." at a meeting. yeah. [ in raspy voice ] "i guarantee it. i have security footage. [ laughter ] i will show you -- you will not like the way you look. i guarantee it." [ laughter ] [ in high pitch voice ] it was so out of line. [ deep voice ] you won't like it." ♪ thank you, ferrero rocher chocolates, for being like what i imagine c3po's testicles might look like. [ laughter ] [ whistling ] "what's that, r2?" >> steve: [ imitating r2d2 ] >> jimmy: oh, okay, r2. thank you, very much. >> steve: [ imitating r2d2 ] >> jimmy: okay. ♪ thank you, cbs sunday morning logo, for showing us what the sun looks like after a wake and bake. [ laughter ] [ stoner voice ] you gonna play them trumpets, man? look at osgood's bowtie, man." [ laughter ]

♪ thank you, the woman in spain who tried to smuggle cocaine in her breast implants, for making charlie sheen's christmas wish come true. [ laughter ] there you guys go. those are our "thank you notes." ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: hey, guys, there are exactly six shows left before we go on christmas break. it's time for that beloved "late night" tradition, "12 days of christmas sweaters." here we go. ♪ 12 days of christmas sweaters six days left ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, that's right. every show between now and christmas, we are giving one lucky audience member a beautiful christmas sweater from the countdown to christmas cabinet. that's right. one of you will be going home with a great sweater. since there are six shows left,

let's open door number six. [ drum roll ] oh, that is -- ♪ [ cheers and applause ] yeah. that's the bonus. i didn't see that coming. i didn't see those sleeves coming. all right. now, let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater. everyone, look at your seat number. if i call your number, i need you to jump up and let me know where are you. quest, can i get a drum roll, please. [ drum roll ] who wants me to pick their number? who wants it? [ cheers and applause ] 430. ♪ what is your name? >> my name's whitney.

>> jimmy: whitney, where are you from? >> salt lake city, utah. >> jimmy: hey, welcome to new york. welcome to our show. this is very exciting. this is -- you're gonna love these sleeves. i mean, this is pretty -- >> i love it. >> jimmy: yeah, this is your look. >> thank you. >> jimmy: would you like to try it on? >> oh, i'd love to. >> jimmy: it gets cold in utah, doesn't it? >> yes. [ light laughter ] over, or -- >> jimmy: over, under, it doesn't matter. that's how fun these sweaters are. they just -- they're versatile. you can -- right? over is easier. i gotta be honest. all right, here we go. want me to help you out? oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] oh, oh! how cute. look at this outfit. how cute does that look? congratulations. happy holidays to you. thank you so much. welcome to the show. have fun. [ cheers and applause ] hey, guys. we'll be right back with the guys from "recordsetter." come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

( ♪ ) for those nights when it's more than a bad dream, be ready. for the days when you get a sudden call from the school, be ready. for the times you need to double-check the temperature on the thermometer, be ready. when you have children's motrin on hand, you're ready. for high fever, nothing works faster or lasts longer than children's motrin. be ready with children's motrin.

excuse me, sir i'm gonna have to ask you to power down your little word game. i think your friends will understand. oh no, it's actually my geico app...see? ...i just uh paid my bill. did you really? from the plane? yeah, i can manage my policy, get roadside assistance, pretty much access geico 24/7. sounds a little too good to be true sir. i'll believe that when pigs fly. ok, did she seriously just say that? geico. just click away with our free mobile app. tyeah, its the galaxy note ii.re great. you can do two things at the same time. you can watch videos and text. or you could watch the earnings report and take notes,

like we're supposed to. so... can i get it? yeah. okay either of you put together the earnings report yet? yes, me totally. what? why don't you tackle the next quarter. you eat yet? polynesian? pu pu platter? yup! keep up the good work. i will keep up the good work. do more with the new samsung galaxy note ii. ♪ the blitz. the dunk. nothing goes better with football than golden, crispy chicken mcnuggets from mcdonald's, dunked in spicy buffalo and creamy ranch. more good times to love. dunked in spicy buffalo and creamy ranch. i played a round of golf.id in the last five hours? then i read a book while teaching myself how to play guitar; ran ten miles while knitting myself a sweater; jumped out of a plane. finally, i became a ping pong master while recording my debut album. how you ask? with 5-hour energy.

i get hours of energy now -- no crash later. wait to see the next five hours. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody. welcome back. we are here with corey henderson and dan rollman, the founders of recordsetter.com right there. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ and we're about to set some brand new world records.

dan, can you tell us everybody what recordsetter.com, how it works? >> yeah, sure, jimmy. corey and i love world records, and so, we started this website, recordsetter.com that lets anybody anywhere set any world record they want. >> jimmy: you don't necessarily have to have a talent or anything at all? >> well, you just have to have an idea, a big dream. and you can make it into a world record and put it on the site. >> jimmy: we love this. this is my favorite thing. anyway, let's get into the first world record. okay, this one's a brand new record, it's holiday themed. "longest candy cane karate chopped in half." [ laughter ] let's bring out the candy cane and our first contestant. ♪ >> jimmy: this is very exciting. we have got a black belt to help us out. he is the chairman of the society for martial arts instruction. and sensei at ken wa kan karate dojo right here in new york city. please welcome, sensei, bob gay! [ cheers and applause ] officials, come and get a

measurement on that candy cane, please. >> sure thing. >> sure can. >> jimmy: this is very exciting. this is a large candy cane. have you done this before, sensei? >> first time. >> we have 8 feet, 1 inch. >> jimmy: 8 feet, 1 inch candy cane. sensei, bob, get yourself in position. and whenever you're ready, you go ahead and chop that candy cane in half. quest can, we get a drum roll, please. [ drum roll ] >> hi-yah! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yes! can we see that again in slow-mo? [ applause ] >> hi-yoy! [ applause ] >> jimmy: officials -- sensei, bob, is it a new world record? >> it is, jimmy. the longest candy cane ever chopped, congratulations, bob. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: officials, thank you! record setter, bob! thanks for being here, sensei, bob. [ applause ] [ light laughter ] he wanted to get out of here. got places to go. our next record is a group record.

we're going to need a santa. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome santa claus. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> hello, how are you? >> jimmy: wait a second, all right. very, very nice. how are you doing, santa? everything good? >> i've been doing very well, jimmy, how are you? had a good year so far this year? [ light laughter ] you look very nice. i like the suit. you look good in it. >> jimmy: thank you so much, santa. [ light laughter ] hi, rose. >> jimmy: all right. santa, very, very good. welcome. this world -- did you say "oy?" >> i did -- >> jimmy: all right. very good. >> my sciatica -- >> jimmy: okay, very good. this world record attempt is for "most people sitting on santa's lap and giving their christmas wish simultaneously." >> ooh! >> jimmy: officials, get in counting position. let's start bringing some people in. come on in, guys. ♪ yeah, yeah. here, get on santa's lap. yeah, yeah, yeah. there we go. >> lord, oh, god. ugh. >> jimmy: all right. there we go. >> oh.

>> jimmy: all right. is everyone on santa's lap? one last -- there you go. all right, perfect. now, judges, how many people are sitting on santa's lap? >> jimmy, we have 12 people sitting on santa's lap right now. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: fantastic, this is good. santa, santa, are you okay in there? >> i've got -- [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. when i count to three, everybody is going to simultaneously tell santa their christmas wish. ready. one, two, three. [ everyone shouting wish ] >> jimmy: yeah! congratulations, and i hope everybody's wish comes true. [ cheers and applause ] everybody, won't hang out over there? great job. we're going to see you in a second. thank you very much. ♪ [ laughter ] thank you, santa. thank you so much. thank you. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: all right. very good, yeah. everything all right, santa?

>> yes, yes. i think it's an innie now. [ light laughter ] my belly button -- it's an innie. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you're belly button's an innie. yes, yes, thank you. i didn't ask you that. all right, here we go, hey. our next record is not holiday themed. it's just something that needs to happen. let's bring out the participants. please welcome miki agrawal and a wookie. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: miki, miki, you're going to be attempting a brand new world record tonight. that record is "most times to punch a wookie in the stomach in 15 seconds." [ light laughter ] miki, are you ready? >> i'm ready. >> jimmy: wookie, are you ready? >> [ wookie noise ] yes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, very good. assume your positions. officials, get ready to count the punches. we'll need 15 seconds on the clock. roots, could we have a little wookie-punching music? ♪

three, two, one. punch! [ wookie noises ] [ laughter ] good, yes. this is good. [ wookie noises ] [ cheers and applause ] three, two, one. there you go! all right. that is it. oh, my goodness. can we see some of that in slow-mo, please? ♪ [ slow wookie noise ] >> jimmy: very good. very, very nice. okay. how many punches was that? >> we have a brand new world record. 77 punches in 15 seconds. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: 77 punches! ♪ let's give miki her world record patch right there. there's your "recordsetter." thank you guys so much. i appreciate it. thank you, wookie. [ light laughter ]

now i'm going to attempt a world record. and i need a partner. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the show, the hilarious, the amazing amy sedaris, ladies and gentlemen! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: amy, all right, we are going to be setting a singing record together, okay? >> okay. >> jimmy: okay, very good. >> okay. >> jimmy: "most holiday songs performed by a duet in 60 seconds." >> oh, my goodness. okay, i need 20 minutes. >> jimmy: no, no, no. >> okay, okay. >> jimmy: here we go, now. >> okay. >> jimmy: you ready to try this? we're going to need 60 seconds on the clock. dan, can you give us the countdown? >> absolutely. you guys ready? >> jimmy: yeah. >> you ready? la, la, la, la, la, la. >> jimmy: mi, mi, mi, mi. [ laughter ] >> here we go. three, two, one, go! [ both singing ] ♪ jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way ♪ ♪ deck the halls with boughs of holly fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ we wish you a merry christmas we mish you a merry christmas ♪ ♪ oh the weather outside is frightful but the fire is so delightful ♪ ♪ and since you've

no place to go let it snow let it snow let it snow ♪ ♪ the first noel ♪ god rest ye merry gentlemen let nothing you dismay ♪ ♪ o christmas tree o christmas tree ♪ ♪ up on a rooftop reindeer paws and out comes good old santa claus ♪ ♪ silent night holy night ♪ ♪ on the first day of christmas my true love gave to me a partridge in a pair tree ♪ ♪ here we come a wassailing among the leaves of green ♪ ♪ o come all ye faithful [ making instrument noises ] [ "carol of the bells" ] [ laughter ] ♪ should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind ♪ ♪ should auld acquaintance be forgot and days o'auld lang syne ♪ [ buzzer ] [ cheers and applause ] >> wow! >> jimmy: hallelujah! >> you guys got 14! you made a new world record! ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> oh, my! thank you so much. >> jimmy: we did it. now, there's one final record and all of us are going to be setting it together. [ cheers and applause ] you guys. everyone on this stage, the roots and the studio audience, we're all going to need kazoos. we're going to need some kazoos. audience, look underneath your seats and get ready to play. >> thank you. >> jimmy: oh, please. yes, there you go. there you go. be sure to grab the kazoos, not go through anyone's purse. [ light laughter ] >> which end do you blow in? >> jimmy: all right. i think the wider end. here we go. >> you said the "whiter end?" the whiter? the wider? okay. >> jimmy: is everyone ready? does everyone have their kazoos? all right. here we go. now, the record we're going to be setting together is the "most people simultaneously playing 'joy to the world' on kazoos." >> okay. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: officials, how many people are about to attempt this record? >> we have 216 people ready to go. >> jimmy: 216 people, okay. [ cheers and applause ] all right. everybody get ready. we're going to play "joy to the world" together. roots, can i get a note.

♪ three, two, one. play! [ joy to the world playing ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: officials! you guys are the best. officials, is that a world record? >> yes, jimmy, it is, congratulations! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to the "recordsetter" guys and to all our record setters. we'll be right back with more "late night" everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] there are plenty of reasons to be jolly

at the chevy year-end event because chevy's giving more. more efficiency with sonic and cruze... more function in equinox and traverse... more dependability with the legendary silverado... and more style in the all-new malibu. chevy's giving more at the year-end event because 'tis the season. chevy's giving more. this holiday season, get a 2013 cruze ls for around $149 per month or get $500 holiday bonus cash. but don't just listen to me. listen to these happy progressive customers. i plugged in snapshot, and 30 days later, i was saving big on car insurance. with snapshot, i knew what i could save before i switched to progressive. the better i drive, the more i save. i wish our company had something this cool.

you're not filming this, are you? aw! camera shy. snapshot from progressive. test-drive snapshot before you switch. visit progressive.com today. ♪ i got it made, i got it made ♪ ♪ i got it made fresh at subway ♪ ♪ breakfast made the way i say ♪ [ male announcer ] at subway, you got it made. try a steak, egg white & cheese, tricked out any way you want. subway. eat fresh. [ woman #2 ] it's the real deal! [ man #1 ] turn it around! turn it around! [ woman #1 ] over here! over here! [ woman #2 ] turn around! turn around! [ woman #1 ] i love you! i can't believe it's not butter! neither can i. turn the tub around! show us the back! [ man #1 ] turn the tub around!

[ female announcer ] with zero grams of trans fat per serving, i can't believe it's not butter is a superstar! ♪ turn the tub around, and become a believer.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is an academy award-winning actor who yesterday received a golden globe nomination for his work in quentin tarantino's new film, "django unchained," in theaters christmas day. please welcome christoph waltz. ♪ one way or another i'll get cha i'll get cha i'll get cha one way or another ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: please. welcome.

have a seat. >> thank you. >> jimmy: thank you so much for being here. you look different than i'm used to seeing you. >> you think? >> jimmy: yes. you have -- you have no hair. >> up there and down here. >> jimmy: yeah, what's going on? >> i shaved it. >> jimmy: thank you very much. i assumed that was what's happening. do you look like this for a role? >> yeah, i played a hairless person. >> jimmy: are you playing, like, curly from "the three stooges"? >> no, i was on a jerry gilliam movie. >> jimmy: i love jerry gilliam. >> so do i. >> jimmy: what was the name of the movie? >> "the zero theorem." >> jimmy: "zero theorem." >> no hair. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. my gosh. >> it was eight weeks, romania. that's how i lost my hair. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. well, look, welcome, welcome. thank you for coming to our show. it looks fantastic. i saw you the other night at 12-12-12 benefit here in new york for hurricane sandy relief. >> i can now rightfully claim to have performed in madison square garden. >> jimmy: how cool is that? [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: isn't that exciting? did you ever think that?

>> no, it was -- it's a mind-bender, you know? i was standing there and i couldn't decide whether i should faint or just do what i had to do. >> jimmy: you were fantastic. >> so were you. i saw you, too. i mean, you were hard to miss, but -- [ laughter ] it was a very -- i mean, very prominent appearance. >> jimmy: yeah, well, so was yours. >> well, i don't know. >> jimmy: just equally prominent. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you got to introduce sir paul mccartney. that's amazing. >> i was introduced to him. i found that amazing. and he was not one bit interested. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, he did not care, no. he did not. he doesn't need to. he's a beatle. he doesn't need to care or -- >> quentin was there and jamie was there. >> jimmy: he probably didn't know -- he doesn't recognize you with the way you look, probably. >> no, he did. movie going?" he said to quentin. "oh, so great to meet you," he said to jamie. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but let's talk about "django unchained." "django unchained" -- this is the second movie with quentin tarantino. and you got nominated for a golden globe today. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: so happy for you. >> thank you.

i -- i don't even know what to say and how to react. >> jimmy: well, didn't -- you guys worked great together. "inglorious basterds." you were so scary. and, i mean, you're such a nice guy in real life. i mean, that was acting, i guess. you're not really that nice either, are you? no, i knew that. yeah, yeah. what is -- what is "django unchained" about? can you tell everyone? >> "django unchained" about the journey of a slave who learns to be a bounty hunter and frees his wife. >> jimmy: yeah, it's jamie foxx. it's leonardo dicaprio, who also got nominated, i think, for a golden globe. >> yes, yes, yes. and it has kerry washington, samuel jackson. >> jimmy: samuel l. jackson's in it, too? >> oh, yeah. and how fantastic. >> jimmy: oh, i can't wait. we love him. he's one of our pals. he's cursed the most of any guest we've ever had on our show. >> yeah, but he could have done more. i think time was limited. >> jimmy: it wasn't a three-hour -- he wasn't in "the hobbit." >> you know, there's an app -- a samuel l. jackson app for your

phone, and you can press the curse that you want. >> jimmy: for all the kids out there, christmas is coming. >> seriously, seriously. it's not a joke. >> jimmy: is that unbelievable? well, i want to show everyone a clip of the great christoph waltz. waltz is correct, right? not valtz. >> whatever -- whatever you like. i mean, waltz makes more sense. valtz means nothing and waltz does. waltz has three-quarter -- ♪ >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. valtz means nothing anywhere. >> nothing at all. >> jimmy: what if you're a bank robber and you want to break into the vaults? [ laughter ] [ rim shot ] >> i'm afraid they are empty. >> jimmy: yeah. we have a clip. here is christoph waltz with jamie foxx in "django unchained." take a look at this. >> you kill people, and they give you a reward? >> certain people, yeah. bad people. >> oh. badder they are, bigger the reward. which brings me to you. and i must admit i'm at a bit of a quandary when it comes to you.

on one hand, i despise slavery. on the other hand, i need your help. if you're not in a position to refuse, all the better. ♪ i'm looking for the brittle brothers. however, in this endeavor, i'm at a slight disadvantage. in so far as i don't know what they look like. but you do, don't you? >> jimmy: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] that's what i'm talking about, buddy. christoph waltz. "django unchained" is in theaters christmas day. amy sedaris joins us next. come on back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] this is the age of knowing what you're made of.

why let erectile dysfunction get in your way? talk to your doctor about viagra. ask if your heart is healthy enough for sex. do not take viagra if you take nitrates for chest pain; it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure. side effects include headache, flushing, upset stomach, and abnormal vision. to avoid long-term injury, seek immediate medical help for an erection lasting more than four hours. stop taking viagra and call your doctor right away if you experience a sudden decrease or loss in vision or hearing. this is the age of taking action. viagra. talk to your doctor. i get congested. but now, with zyrtec-d®, i have the proven allergy relief of zyrtec®, plus a powerful decongestant. zyrtec-d® lets me breath freer, so i can love the air. [ male announcer ] zyrtec-d®. behind the pharmacy counter. no prescription needed. [ sniffs ] i took dayquil but my nose is still runny. [ male announcer ] truth is, dayquil doesn't treat that. really? [ male announcer ] alka-seltzer plus fights your worst cold symptoms,

plus it relieves your runny nose. [ breathes deeply ] awesome. [ male announcer ] yes, it is. that's the cold truth! at st. jude children's research hospital. the research at st. jude helps save kids with leukemia, brain tumors and sickle cell... all across america. and no family pays st. jude for anything. man, these kids are getting strong! give thanks for the healthy kids in your life. and give to those who are not. go to st. jude dot org or shop where ever you see the st. jude logo.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is a very talented actress and author whose "new york times" bestselling book, "simple times," is in stores now. oh, we love her so much. please welcome back to the show

amy sedaris. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, goodness. amy sedaris, we love you. thank you for helping me with that record setter. >> i can't believe. a new patch for my jeans. >> jimmy: i mean, we need some new patches. >> yeah, on my white jeans. >> jimmy: for my white jeans. i need some patches. is that the first time you set a record? >> i sold the most cookies in girl scouts when i was little. but i was pretty aggressive. one house, i knew the lady had passed away, but she still ordered cookies from me and i needed that had money. so i was, like, i can't read her name, but she ordered cookies from me. that's awful. no, it's a true story. >> jimmy: you did? >> yeah. >> jimmy: what's your favorite girl scout cookie? >> i like the mints, the chocolate mints. what's your favorite? >> jimmy: thin mints? >> yeah, think mints. what's your favorite? >> jimmy: i go with the -- >> oh, those coconut ones? >> jimmy: the coconut ones. what are they called?

oh. >> jimmy: samoas? >> samoas, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: i think they changed the name of it. >> i thought they did change the name of it, right? >> jimmy: caramel delite. great job, yeah, yeah. so much better. but either way, they are my faves, man. all right, last time you came on, you introduced me to a new product called the weekender. >> the weekender, right. i got crotch rot from those weekenders. i know. but i have something new to show you. a friend of mine went to japan. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, yeah. >> and he brought me these things. and my brother david calls him panty toes, but i have to model them for you. i know, go ahead. can you see them? you see the panty toes? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my goodness gracious. >> oh, that looks good. jimmy fallon tonight. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: panty toes? >> that's what they look like when you don't have them on. >> jimmy: that is the weirdest thing that i've ever seen in my life. and what -- and -- >> and that's what they look like in the homemade slippers.

panty toes. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> i'll dial the phone. [ imitating phone ] >> jimmy: i'll dial the phone? what are you talking about? [ imitating phone ] >> my left foot. it's my left foot. so those are my new fun. and a girl gave me this necklace. and this fun, so you have to -- i want you to -- it's, like, a -- tap me and say, "give me your necklace" or something. you have to rip the necklace off my neck. >> jimmy: let me rip -- tear -- rip it off your next. "you bitch, you messed up my cue cards." and get mad at me and rip my necklace. >> jimmy: i don't understand -- >> hey, jimmy. you can say anything, but just grab it. hey, jimmy, your hair looks good tonight. >> jimmy: you bitch! you ripped up my cue cards. >> ahh! isn't that fun? >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> let's do it again. fake slap me and then take it, okay? one, two, three. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. oh, my gosh. all right, ready? >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay. >> ow. ahh! [ applause ] you have to get one.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'll have to get one. for christmas. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i do want to talk about a really fun thing, 'cause, gosh, you're becoming a crafty, crafty person. you're like martha stewart. you're giving her a run for her money. >> who's he? yes. [ laughter ] that's such a bad -- i hate it when people do that. no, i have a fabric line coming out with window fabrics. >> jimmy: that's a great idea. >> i know, and it's going to be sold in quilting stores and online retailers. and this is one of the prints. >> jimmy: no way. right there? you're wearing a print? >> looks better on the phone, jimmy. yeah. [ laughter ] it's cute, right? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's the amy sedaris fabric line? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and when does it come out? >> in march. >> jimmy: in march. >> and you order it, and quilters will cut it off and make quilts. >> jimmy: i'm so excited. >> i know. and nothing's more slimming than a quilted skirt. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is true. i've heard that before. i've heard that many times. >> yeah, it takes inches off your waistline. >> jimmy: now, that -- last time you were here, you taught us how to barbecue some hot dogs. >> on a rake. >> jimmy: on a rake, yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: now, you're going to show us something new tonight. >> yes, it's brand new. i don't want to keep details. i'm going to see it at the display table, and i'm going to

go step by step and show you what we're going to do for the holidays. >> jimmy: okay, i'll see you at the display table. more with amy sedaris when we get back here, you guys. come on, she's the greatest. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ these new phones they got us are great. yeah, its the galaxy note ii. you can do two things at the same time. you can watch videos and text. or you could watch the earnings report and take notes, like we're supposed to. so... can i get it? yeah. okay either of you put together the earnings report yet? yes, me totally. what? why don't you tackle the next quarter. you eat yet? polynesian? pu pu platter? yup! keep up the good work. i will keep up the good work. do more with the new samsung galaxy note ii. mcdonald's tender, juicy chicken mcnuggets in spicy buffalo and creamy ranch sauce. just $4.99 for 20 of your favorite chicken mcnuggets. more ways to love mcnuggets. ♪

[ male announcer ] handcrafted toys... ♪ the softest bear on the web... a new bedtime story: added to cart. watching her play with the box instead: priceless. your mastercard makes sure you don't pay for unauthorized purchases, not online, not anywhere. that's credit or debit mastercard. that's priceless.

anyone have occasional constipation, diarrhea, gas, bloating? yeah. one phillips' colon health probiotic cap each day helps defend against these digestive issues with three strains of good bacteria. approved! [ phillips' lady ] live the regular life. phillips'. [ phillips' lady ] live the regular life. i played a round of golf.id in the last five hours? then i read a book while teaching myself how to play guitar; ran ten miles while knitting myself a sweater; jumped out of a plane. finally, i became a ping pong master while recording my debut album. how you ask? with 5-hour energy. i get hours of energy now -- no crash later. wait to see the next five hours.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we are back with the lovely, the beautiful, the hilarious amy sedaris who has a great craft book called "simple times." tonight amy is going to show us how to make an inexpensive holiday craft. >> yes. this is a quick, and it's called the "crafty candle salad." you prepare it and you can put it in your window at night. and it will attract bugs. [ laughter ] okay. so first of all, you're going to line your plate, a steering wheel sized plate -- with some lettuce leaves. i like to cut mine in half and just use the top floppy part. >> jimmy: okay, top floppy. >> yeah. and you're gonna make it look attractive like a little bed. >> jimmy: okay, it's beautiful. i love this. this is good. i forget the type of lettuce. what's this lettuce called again? >> it's called -- what is it called, endive. romaine, romaine, romaine! rabbit's food. >> jimmy: romaine. >> and then you're going to take these pineapple rings -- >> jimmy: mm hmm. >> -- and you're going to place them in the center of your lettuce leaves. >> jimmy: so three? >> i don't know, jimmy. didn't you hate that? in our art class, the art teacher would say that. "i don't know." and you're like, "just tell me how to do it." [ laughter ]

so let's start with three and you might need five. >> jimmy: so i'll start with three. here we go. >> and you might need more. >> jimmy: might need more. >> now we're going to take a banana and i recommend you take a long one. [ light laughter ] no, i learned this in girl scouts. my leader was sick and the husband of the lady taught us how to make these. and he videotaped it, but i don't know why. [ laughter ] and then you're gonna insert -- is that wrong? >> jimmy: no, no, no. >> i got a badge. okay. [ laughter ] then -- >> jimmy: okay. very good, yeah. >> then you're going to insert the banana, into that. there's no other way to say it -- i know, it might seem dirty -- into the hole of the -- i know. you're going to insert it in that hole. [ laughter ] okay? all right, jimmy. it's all right. this happens to a lot of men. [ laughter ] we're not making any judgments. now, it's a little top heavy. so now you might want to add some more rings and give it a little bit more of a substance -- [ laughter ]

so just make it five rings for you. >> jimmy: okay. >> we don't want limp [ bleep ] [ laughter ] whiskey [ bleep ] okay, so, maybe you need more rings. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay, maybe i need more rings. >> this is a good thing. >> jimmy: there -- there we go. >> there, perfect. >> jimmy: all right. >> look how it's stiff. [ laughter ] now you're going to -- you're going to take a little smear or dollop of whipped cream or mayonnaise. whatever you've got in the house, and you're going to put it on the tip. [ laughter ] this is -- i swear, it's real. [ laughter ] put it on the tip. >> jimmy: okay. >> okay. put it on the tip. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. here's our candle -- >> here we go. got to get it on there. let's see it. >> jimmy: perfect? yes, very good. >> okay. and to represent the flame of the candle -- >> jimmy: mm hmm. >> you just put a little cherry on top. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: this is unbelievable. i can't --

>> and then you pick it up and you say -- [ both sing ] "oh, my crafty candle salad." [ laughter ] >> and that's it! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: amy sedaris, everybody! "simple times." that is the book. you can make this craft at home. it's in stores now. martha wainwright performs next. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is an acclaimed singer and songwriter

who is here tonight to perform the song "can you believe it" from her latest album "come home to momma." please welcome martha wainwright. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i really like the makeup sex it's the only kind i ever get and when i'm gazing ♪ ♪ longingly in your eyes it's not for you but the self i left behind can you believe it ♪ ♪ can you believe it can you believe it felt so wrong can you believe it ♪ ♪ can you believe it can you believe it feels so right i'm sharpening the chip ♪ ♪ on my shoulder

as i get angrier i get older there are fewer and fewer people ♪ ♪ to complain to so i built a ship and direct it at you can you believe it ♪ ♪ can you believe it can you believe it felt so wrong can you believe it ♪ ♪ can you believe it can you believe it feels so right i'll show you mine ♪ ♪ if you show me the time of day in your cradlers' glove we'll drink some wine ♪ ♪ with the passing of time we will surely make love can you believe it can you believe it ♪ ♪ can you believe it felt so wrong

can you believe it can you believe it ♪ ♪ can you believe it feels so right i love you baby i don't know why ♪ ♪ it's the chemicals i see in your eyes and when you touch me i feel kind of numb ♪ ♪ i need you like a baby needs to suck his thumb can you believe it can you believe it ♪ ♪ can you believe it felt so wrong can you believe it can you believe it ♪ ♪ can you believe it feels so right oh

i love you baby ♪ ♪ i don't know why [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: martha wainwright! look for her new album "come home to momma." fantastic. my thanks to christoph waltz, amy sedaris, the guys from recordsetters, martha wainwright, and the greatest band in late night, the roots right there, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "carson daly." thank you for watching. have a great weekend hope to see you next week. thank you! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪